Paperdoll

I’m scared again.

I hate this feeling.
The feeling I felt when me, mama and papa went to lola’s house one day.
I was 4 then.
That was the day I was wondering why mama has not returned home yet when it was already dark.
The feeling I felt when I was crying asking everyone what’s taking her too long outside.
They said “may pinuntahan lang.”
The feeling I felt when I woke up the next day and she’s still not around.
The feeling of fear that she was lost somewhere but everyone seem not no worry.

I thought it was just a childhood fear.

I was 16 when B shared his dream of going to Cyprus since his uncle is there, the feeling haunted me. I loved him but I was scared of him leaving and I don’t know when he’ll return just like what happened to my mom when I was 4…so I ended it, even if I loved him. I was too scared so I better be the first to leave.

When G boarded that plane for a 3 yrs contract, that scary feeling came again…but this time, I faced the fear by telling myself that I need to overcome this, I should learn to accept that when someone I love leaves for abroad, it doesn’t have to be so scary like what happened when I was 4.

I was made stronger with his constant calls and sometimes he’ll tell me he hopes I could wait…until one time, he was sharing how Dubai looks promising and plans to go there after his stint in Aichi, I felt like it was mama telling me she would arrive for Christmas, my graduation, birthday but she never arrived until I grew tired of hoping and waiting that I did not care anymore if she would come home or not.
When she did, I didn’t care.
When she’s around, no big deal.
She’ll leave again anyway.

So after Aichi, there’s Dubai.
I am not that scared kid anymore but I can’t help it.
He sounded like my mom who never arrived and was always away.
I’m used to living alone
but I die in waiting for something I am not sure of happening.
This can’t work out.

Today, it’s the usual call from A.
He shared some good news.
That good news saddened me.
I was asked if I’m willing to follow him there.
I said “Diko alam, ayoko mag isip.”
I thought “matagal pa naman yun…”
When the call ended, an old enemy came to life.
Yeah, it’s that scary feeling again.
I’m scared again.

A tear or two fell after that call.
It seems that I have to befriend you my enemy.
For you always find your way to my reality.
This time you wont get the best of me.
I am stronger now.